Your attendance is cordially Required...
Summertime. The word is synonymous with barbecue, watermelon, and all of the white women above 50 at your company picnic dancing to the Macarena and booty call.
Are company picnics mandatory?
It's hot,most of the schools are out in Virginia, but not yours, and you have two school children, you are outside listening to a coworker sing Mustang Sally in front of a few amps under a tent, and you were told that morning that you were required to attend your Area's picnic. The corporate big-wig is there wearing a Panama hat. There are three kinds of chili on the center table that is pushed up against the wall of a long hallway, taking most of the walking room. And as you strong arm a permed woman, who is bustling to get chips for her supervisor, and yours (you can really use some motivation, couldn't you; I mean "look at Allison," you tell yourself, "she's getting the boss chips... pick up your game.") you wonder why you are here.
Of course, it's kind of hard to top chips when you have an eight month old under the non-plate holding arm. An eight month old that, it should be noted, has cried when anyone over twelve says hello. You wonder where else you could be. You could be doing laundry right now, or buying groceries that you need for the house. You overhear a fellow employee telling another, "Hon, when you dance, the black comes out in you." How can I afford to take time away from other things to show up for company events that are required but unpaid, you ask.
My answer is, how can you afford not to?
The recession has taken many tolls on our economy, workforce and peace of mind. The number of areas in your company have no doubt taken cuts and even though economists speak of the economic crash in the past tense, ("When we were in the recession," "At the End of the recession,"") Were we ever at a point in it when we forgot our position in time? The question of what you pay for, what you are paid for and who is paying you should be considered when making a decision on whether you can afford to make the decision about attending the company picnic.
There are a number of things you have to do for your job that you are not paid for. I will explain these in a moment. For now, consider that statement. It can only be a good thing, because if it's true then that must mean that everyone is doing more than they need to, and really, isn't that one of the more important goals to have in a workforce?
You don't, for instance, have to pay in order to sit in the cubicle that you are working in. You also don't have to pay to use the bathroom yet. These thing are provided FOR you. No monetary compensation is due for people getting correct or incorrect information about other coworkers, as there is none for you when you hear what people are saying about you. No Gossip tax. You don't even have to pay to play fantasy baseball. Well, yes, you do.
You did have to pay for the bosses Panama hat as well, but you don't have to pay for the picnic that he's wearing it to.
The Employee Bill of Rights would state, if one existed, that the employee must adhere to administrative direction, even if unofficial, for the purpose of keeping employment secure. That's the amended version; they presented Employment Benefits Choice (EBC) before the actual bill died in the House.
What your responsibilities at this picnic are: To smile, do not stand out of the way and in the shade, and take your kids to see the fire truck, because the maintenance attendant is handing out black shiny plastic firefighters helmets. You didn't have to pay for those either, he did. And know that you could be somewhere else, if you were a selfish person.
You have a job and you do more than you need to and that really is payment enough. Hopefully now the fact of that is settling on your shoulders like the sun, because you chose to wear a boat neck shirt, and because you didn't have the sense to bring a Panama hat. Not that you can be blamed though, chances are that he got a $14,000 raise last year so he can afford to have a hat fund. You do, however make $1.50 more then you did four years ago, so if you were really invested then you could have one of those too; this is the Land of opportunity after all.
Which brings us to the main point:
Shouldn't you be getting some dip to go with those chips?
Friday, June 11, 2010
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
This just in; monsters, ghosts, live in mirrors.
Is that actually your reflection?
New evidence is in that supports one side of the old saying. If you have a staring contest with your mirror, and win, then it means your eyeballs fell out.
The horror movie "Mirrors" is not what is considered a recent release; but what does that mean in the current age? People say that America has a one week attention span. There have been approximately 168 hours after the serial action series 24 first broadcast on November 6, 2001 and 48 hours and one Redemption before now, was the film Mirrors (2008)
However, during the time Jack Bauer has been foiling evil-doers one day at a time, there have been too few good horror movies. The term "Good Horror Film" may be subjective; probably has to be. I recommend this movie because it blends long held horror movie principles together in a surprisingly creepy well done movie with an even plot, some mystery, some gore that seems to have found it's way out of the genre in anything produced above a 3 million dollar budget; most of all, it's just, well, scary.
Not frightened. Frightened is "Oh, dear god are these sniffles a symptom of Swine flu?"
Scared. The setting is becomingly bleak. Poor down on his luck ex-cop (he doesn't know he's an ex-cop but it is being made apparent to him) separated from a family that he needs, goes job hunting and takes a job in the creepiest abandoned fire damaged closed department store in New York City, that has a violent past. Shortly after his first night, gruesome, violent, charbroiled shadows of the buildings death soaked past begin to happen. Antics ensue.
Usually at this point in the movie the tone is set, recently, set and remains so, attempting to lock the viewer into a tight corner for the rest of the film and tying the plot up into a clean downer-ending. This has it's place, but when it is over used it can seem like a big middle finger stuck up in front of your face.
Jack Bauer- I mean, Kiefer Sutherland, is good in the role of a brooding dark personality; take for instance the 1990 classic Flatliners. I thought he delivered in his role of Ben Carson. The hero of this tale.
Ben was a detective and he tries to unravel the all of the department store's secrets. He is a dogged investigator, you know that your guy is on the right track when he kidnaps an old lady from a convent at gunpoint.
That should be the only spoiler. I promise. I didn't expect to like it as much as I did.
I can't give it tomatoes because, well, this is a blog. So I'll give it 8 eyeballs rolling around in the sink.
Speaking of eyeballs, didn't Kiefer Sutherland take a baseball cap from Wesley Crusher in Stand By Me, and give it to a guy named Eyeball? I wonder if that kid ever got his hat back... Wesley's dead big brother gave him that hat.
I haven't been as freaked out about mirrors since I saw Candy man.
Is that actually your reflection?
New evidence is in that supports one side of the old saying. If you have a staring contest with your mirror, and win, then it means your eyeballs fell out.
The horror movie "Mirrors" is not what is considered a recent release; but what does that mean in the current age? People say that America has a one week attention span. There have been approximately 168 hours after the serial action series 24 first broadcast on November 6, 2001 and 48 hours and one Redemption before now, was the film Mirrors (2008)
However, during the time Jack Bauer has been foiling evil-doers one day at a time, there have been too few good horror movies. The term "Good Horror Film" may be subjective; probably has to be. I recommend this movie because it blends long held horror movie principles together in a surprisingly creepy well done movie with an even plot, some mystery, some gore that seems to have found it's way out of the genre in anything produced above a 3 million dollar budget; most of all, it's just, well, scary.
Not frightened. Frightened is "Oh, dear god are these sniffles a symptom of Swine flu?"
Scared. The setting is becomingly bleak. Poor down on his luck ex-cop (he doesn't know he's an ex-cop but it is being made apparent to him) separated from a family that he needs, goes job hunting and takes a job in the creepiest abandoned fire damaged closed department store in New York City, that has a violent past. Shortly after his first night, gruesome, violent, charbroiled shadows of the buildings death soaked past begin to happen. Antics ensue.
Usually at this point in the movie the tone is set, recently, set and remains so, attempting to lock the viewer into a tight corner for the rest of the film and tying the plot up into a clean downer-ending. This has it's place, but when it is over used it can seem like a big middle finger stuck up in front of your face.
Jack Bauer- I mean, Kiefer Sutherland, is good in the role of a brooding dark personality; take for instance the 1990 classic Flatliners. I thought he delivered in his role of Ben Carson. The hero of this tale.
Ben was a detective and he tries to unravel the all of the department store's secrets. He is a dogged investigator, you know that your guy is on the right track when he kidnaps an old lady from a convent at gunpoint.
That should be the only spoiler. I promise. I didn't expect to like it as much as I did.
I can't give it tomatoes because, well, this is a blog. So I'll give it 8 eyeballs rolling around in the sink.
Speaking of eyeballs, didn't Kiefer Sutherland take a baseball cap from Wesley Crusher in Stand By Me, and give it to a guy named Eyeball? I wonder if that kid ever got his hat back... Wesley's dead big brother gave him that hat.
I haven't been as freaked out about mirrors since I saw Candy man.
How To Survive a Zombie Attack
The zombie apocalypse will be unexpected. Therefore, it is unlikely to be prepared for the initial shock of finding that friends and neighbors have been transformed into flesh eating corpses. To survive the onslaught, keep your wits, a semblance of logic or sanity, some forethought, and an adequate sense of direction. A strong stomach may be needed as well (one that you don't want to be devoured). Your tools will depend upon individual experience, and what is available. With some effort you may survive the walking nightmare, and never learn whether human flesh really does taste like chicken.
Get Out of Dodge
Step 1
When you see a zombie, get in the car and drive in the opposite direction. Avoid major highways and head for rural roads. Do not get sidetracked by all of the horrors that you will be witnessing, and do not stop. If you encounter one of the undead on the road, still do not stop. Accelerate slightly and try not to close your eyes. If you do close them, feel for a bump and remember to keep the wheel steady.
Step 2
Stay away from areas that are convenient for large groups of people such as city centers. Zombies are like lions; shambling, undead lions, they will follow the herd. According to Ken Foree, they may also follow something that they remember, on some sub-human level, and may gravitate towards malls or train stations.(Reference 3) Take a route that you are familiar with and can easily navigate.
Step 3
If on foot, avoid running into a areas or buildings from which you cannot escape. Make sure that your direction is picked out carefully, and try not to vary. Stay off of the road when possible and jump fences or walls often, but make sure that there is not a long drop on the other side. Avoid zombies; if you cannot do this last, go directly to Step 4 or Step 5.
Step 4
Hold your blunt instrument by the operational end. Swing your weapon with adequate force to crack the zombie’s skull; it will be necessary to use your legs and upper body to generate enough force. Aim for the head. Repeat. Be sure it is a zombie and not another traumatized survivor, because that would be murder. If nothing is available, then a sharpened piece of material which is heavier at one end will do. Be sure to sever the head completely, or cut directly into the skull to destroy the brain (more difficult).
Step 5
Firearms that should be considered are short and easy to use. Aim for the head when engaging a zombie target and destroy the brain.(References 1,2,3) Practice timing and patience if there is more than one of the walking dead. Make every shot count, and always save one bullet for yourself in the event that you are overrun (see warnings).
Step 6
Once out of any major city find shelter and water, and practice constant vigilance. After the initial attack it will be easier to identify other living survivors. Band with others over time, and go out in small coordinated raiding missions into the leftover remnants of Man's world for food and supplies. Stay armed at all times.
Step 7
Keep a constant watch out for the walking dead. If one is spotted alone go back to Step 4. Try not to attract attention. If one of the flesh eating damned sees you, they will make a hungry, sorrowful moan and chase you so kill them quickly. Any zombie within hearing distance of the sound will be attracted to it, and will follow.(See Reference 1)
Step 8
Try to establish contact with other survivors of nature's wrath, and join with them if possible. Plan Man's strike against the legion of the walking dead once your numbers are big enough to fight and ensure the continuance of the human race. Live to an old age and reminisce about the Zombie Wars.
Skill: Challenging
Things You'll Need
· A car or truck
·
· Any blunt instrument or long bladed weapon
·
· Running shoes
·
· A Shotgun
Tips
· The best form of conveyance will be a covered vehicle, however, make sure that your seat belt is safely secured and that you can exit the vehicle quickly if necessary.
·
· Do NOT get swarmed. Zombies are slow and may be easily avoided on foot, but cornered by five of them can be disastrous.
·
· Avoid trying to run down groups of the undead in a car. It may get bogged down by their accumulated bodies and you will become stuck; a group surrounding your vehicle may also tip it over.
·
· A severed head can still bite.
·
· Rely on a firearm that you already have, or obtain one from a corpse-truly dead, or at least not yet re-animated.
·
· Internet and cell phone towers may not be up, so contacting other survivors may be best established via short wave radio or CB communication.
·
· Many humans will be displaced, and depending on their nature may take on the roles of raiders, mercenaries or land pirates.
Warnings
· Your first thought will be to attain a firearm, if you do not already have one. Firearms are ideal for neutralizing any undead obstacles. Everyone else thinks so as well, and they may all be at the gun shop.
·
· Frightened people with guns may be as dangerous as the zombies. In the event that the gun, hunting, or sporting goods store has been overrun, you may be like a prawn walking into Senior’s night at Sizzler.
Keywords
· zombie apocalypse
· undead survival
· surviving the undead
· zombie survival
· walking dead
· survive zombie attack
Reference
· "The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead"; Max Brooks; 2003 [http://books.google.com/books?printsec=frontcover&id=4mcT7A371xQC#v=onepage&q&f=false]
· Zombie Survival [http://www.zombiehub.com/zombie-survival.html]
· "Dawn of the Dead"(film); George Romero; 1974 [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077
402/]
The zombie apocalypse will be unexpected. Therefore, it is unlikely to be prepared for the initial shock of finding that friends and neighbors have been transformed into flesh eating corpses. To survive the onslaught, keep your wits, a semblance of logic or sanity, some forethought, and an adequate sense of direction. A strong stomach may be needed as well (one that you don't want to be devoured). Your tools will depend upon individual experience, and what is available. With some effort you may survive the walking nightmare, and never learn whether human flesh really does taste like chicken.
Get Out of Dodge
Step 1
When you see a zombie, get in the car and drive in the opposite direction. Avoid major highways and head for rural roads. Do not get sidetracked by all of the horrors that you will be witnessing, and do not stop. If you encounter one of the undead on the road, still do not stop. Accelerate slightly and try not to close your eyes. If you do close them, feel for a bump and remember to keep the wheel steady.
Step 2
Stay away from areas that are convenient for large groups of people such as city centers. Zombies are like lions; shambling, undead lions, they will follow the herd. According to Ken Foree, they may also follow something that they remember, on some sub-human level, and may gravitate towards malls or train stations.(Reference 3) Take a route that you are familiar with and can easily navigate.
Step 3
If on foot, avoid running into a areas or buildings from which you cannot escape. Make sure that your direction is picked out carefully, and try not to vary. Stay off of the road when possible and jump fences or walls often, but make sure that there is not a long drop on the other side. Avoid zombies; if you cannot do this last, go directly to Step 4 or Step 5.
Step 4
Hold your blunt instrument by the operational end. Swing your weapon with adequate force to crack the zombie’s skull; it will be necessary to use your legs and upper body to generate enough force. Aim for the head. Repeat. Be sure it is a zombie and not another traumatized survivor, because that would be murder. If nothing is available, then a sharpened piece of material which is heavier at one end will do. Be sure to sever the head completely, or cut directly into the skull to destroy the brain (more difficult).
Step 5
Firearms that should be considered are short and easy to use. Aim for the head when engaging a zombie target and destroy the brain.(References 1,2,3) Practice timing and patience if there is more than one of the walking dead. Make every shot count, and always save one bullet for yourself in the event that you are overrun (see warnings).
Step 6
Once out of any major city find shelter and water, and practice constant vigilance. After the initial attack it will be easier to identify other living survivors. Band with others over time, and go out in small coordinated raiding missions into the leftover remnants of Man's world for food and supplies. Stay armed at all times.
Step 7
Keep a constant watch out for the walking dead. If one is spotted alone go back to Step 4. Try not to attract attention. If one of the flesh eating damned sees you, they will make a hungry, sorrowful moan and chase you so kill them quickly. Any zombie within hearing distance of the sound will be attracted to it, and will follow.(See Reference 1)
Step 8
Try to establish contact with other survivors of nature's wrath, and join with them if possible. Plan Man's strike against the legion of the walking dead once your numbers are big enough to fight and ensure the continuance of the human race. Live to an old age and reminisce about the Zombie Wars.
Skill: Challenging
Things You'll Need
· A car or truck
·
· Any blunt instrument or long bladed weapon
·
· Running shoes
·
· A Shotgun
Tips
· The best form of conveyance will be a covered vehicle, however, make sure that your seat belt is safely secured and that you can exit the vehicle quickly if necessary.
·
· Do NOT get swarmed. Zombies are slow and may be easily avoided on foot, but cornered by five of them can be disastrous.
·
· Avoid trying to run down groups of the undead in a car. It may get bogged down by their accumulated bodies and you will become stuck; a group surrounding your vehicle may also tip it over.
·
· A severed head can still bite.
·
· Rely on a firearm that you already have, or obtain one from a corpse-truly dead, or at least not yet re-animated.
·
· Internet and cell phone towers may not be up, so contacting other survivors may be best established via short wave radio or CB communication.
·
· Many humans will be displaced, and depending on their nature may take on the roles of raiders, mercenaries or land pirates.
Warnings
· Your first thought will be to attain a firearm, if you do not already have one. Firearms are ideal for neutralizing any undead obstacles. Everyone else thinks so as well, and they may all be at the gun shop.
·
· Frightened people with guns may be as dangerous as the zombies. In the event that the gun, hunting, or sporting goods store has been overrun, you may be like a prawn walking into Senior’s night at Sizzler.
Keywords
· zombie apocalypse
· undead survival
· surviving the undead
· zombie survival
· walking dead
· survive zombie attack
Reference
· "The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead"; Max Brooks; 2003 [http://books.google.com/books?printsec=frontcover&id=4mcT7A371xQC#v=onepage&q&f=false]
· Zombie Survival [http://www.zombiehub.com/zombie-survival.html]
· "Dawn of the Dead"(film); George Romero; 1974 [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077
402/]
Friday, April 13, 2007
It may be coincidence that this is Friday the 13th. You might say it is THE Friday the 13th, but you would be wrong because it's one of two for this year. Friday April 13, 2007. 700 years ago there was a friday that was the thirteenth of the month, but that was in October, and I suppose that there were two during that year as well. I don't think the Georgian calendar has changed that much since then.
The thing is, this friday the 13th has gone by with no mention at all. In fact people are going to be a little dissappointed that they missed it, especially the morning News. I think that bumble head with the receding hairline, I can't think of his name, he got bitched out by Tom Cruise about anitdepressants; that guy. He's going to make some koozy remark about "well I hope the people of America are ready for this very unlucky of days," the journalist that he is...
Maybe it will be Fox and Frinds. They're all going to hell btw. But there really is no solice in that as the guy who does the Crooks and Liars blog because they'll probably bring fruit baskets or like instruction pamphlets on how to make napkin origami. Hell will never be the same. I don't watch news anymore, it makes me sad, I read the news from a lot of sources which I think you do too. So watch out for some mention.
That Friday the 13th, 1307 was the day that King Philip ordered the arrest of the Poor Soldiers of Christ. I bet the ones that lived didn't make much of an impression on the other inmates, they took a vow of celibacy, AND a vow of non bathing, they wore lamb skin PJs too... maybe thats the holy trinity of not getting laid. No sex, No Shower, No other clothes but leather feeties.
I'm getting beside the point. SO it turns out I'm a little bit superstitious.
Look out for wierd shit.
((I'm trying to update this weekly *note to self* Try not to sound so bitter))
The thing is, this friday the 13th has gone by with no mention at all. In fact people are going to be a little dissappointed that they missed it, especially the morning News. I think that bumble head with the receding hairline, I can't think of his name, he got bitched out by Tom Cruise about anitdepressants; that guy. He's going to make some koozy remark about "well I hope the people of America are ready for this very unlucky of days," the journalist that he is...
Maybe it will be Fox and Frinds. They're all going to hell btw. But there really is no solice in that as the guy who does the Crooks and Liars blog because they'll probably bring fruit baskets or like instruction pamphlets on how to make napkin origami. Hell will never be the same. I don't watch news anymore, it makes me sad, I read the news from a lot of sources which I think you do too. So watch out for some mention.
That Friday the 13th, 1307 was the day that King Philip ordered the arrest of the Poor Soldiers of Christ. I bet the ones that lived didn't make much of an impression on the other inmates, they took a vow of celibacy, AND a vow of non bathing, they wore lamb skin PJs too... maybe thats the holy trinity of not getting laid. No sex, No Shower, No other clothes but leather feeties.
I'm getting beside the point. SO it turns out I'm a little bit superstitious.
Look out for wierd shit.
((I'm trying to update this weekly *note to self* Try not to sound so bitter))
Thursday, March 15, 2007
News releases are a boon, which can draw attention and hit to your website, business, book, blog, etcetara. However, you cannot present a news release on nothing. The best advice that we have been presented with is to think like a reporter with your PR.Reporters will only keep your news release on their desk ( and not put it into some file for filler and puff) if you have a story to tell, or, more specifically, if you have a story for them to tell.
In history songs, and stories were what survived the sands of time while the people and the things that they were about faded into obscurity or fell to dust.
How can you ensure that your news release is what your company needs?
If you are an aficionado of all things Elvis, then you should have no problem reconstructing his rise to fame, his fall, and all of the complicated relationships that he encountered, and how they affected his life, career, waistline, eating habits and on, and on. The same for any hobby or enthusiasm. But if you start affections about those things and your involvement in them without considering the interest that others have for your subject or what is different about you then your words will go right by, or worse, those that hear them will not listen again when they hear you talking.
You'll be, "The Elvis Freak."
Objectivity may be difficult when you are looking at your own product or passion. It is necessary if you want to get ink.
Consider what you are doing that is different. Think about how you can make those differences interesting.
Some of the decisions that your business makes will effect what opportunities you have to get the word out about yourself.
Give all of the information that a reporter needs to say something about you. Something good. Make his job easy and he can have tons of attention directed to your purpose. In a sense it is your calling card.
In the body of the news release use names of individuals.
What they did, or are doing that is so important, and what the purpose is of getting the word out.
Use the inverted pyramid technique - Most important to least important = Who, What, When, Where, How and Why.
Do not make it sound like advertising or self promotion. people have a built in filter for such things and they will stop listening if they thing that your news release is a commercial. Your book will go unread and your website will get fewer hits.
Doing a news release the right way can be like a giant fishing net. Make sure yours does not have a big hole in it and the sea is yours.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
It's all in what you know.
Sometimes that's the problem.
You can learn just about anything on the internet. New medical procedures. World news and reviews about books or movies you may be interested in. You can also get bogged down in the research phase of any project you might be undertaking.
In order to write anything that anyone might like to read you have to be informed. To be in the know. You can find interesting news about anything you wish to learn about on the internet, and sometimes, thing that you don't.
For instance.
Did you know that the cure for hiccups is a finger up the butt?
No you didn't. Not before a few days ago anyway. And I don't want to hear, "I learnt that back in catholic middle school". Well, maybe you did. But you didn't learn it in any official sense.
The 16th event of the 1st Annual Ig Noble Awards, which was held at MIT. The discovery was made by an Israeli research group and was only one of the items keynoted. These awards are given annually in the area of "Improbable Research".
I do not know if Douglas Adams was ever a speaker at one of these but it is an area I am sure he would have been interested in.
Another of the items up for presentation was an analysis of the sound that fingernails make on a chalkboard. This research has become the basis for a new technology used for repelling teenagers. Absolutely peculiar and, some might go as far as to say "silly". What do these things have in common with all great discoveries.
Ideas.
The best place so far that I have found for new ideas is the daily news. There always seems to be something interesting, or at least mildly amusing, happening in the world. Somewhere in the back pages is where to look. That's where the magic happens and it is is where you find stories like the puppy that survived a five mile tornado ride, or the drunk rural double wide resident that was arrested for beating his wife with a "live alligator" in the solitude of the couple's trailer home; for the second time.
It's true.
Now I can't be sure, but I think you're mind is already working out how things like these could have actually happened. there has to be more to the story, you say. That thinking is the very process of which the creative side of writing is made. It is explaining to yourself the ins and outs (hiccup-pardon the pun) of a thing and making sense of it.
Like for example I'm still trying to piece together how the finger cure for hiccups came about. Was it an accidental discovery, like penicillin? When you look at a light bulb you sneeze. When you sneeze someone says bless you. What do you say when someone has the hiccups? The Ig Nobel Awards lareates are researchers who like to take the "Guess who has two thumbs and can solve your problem." approach to creativity, and we can learn something from them.
Maybe it can help with your writing (the approach, that is).
When you try to explain a situation to yourself, you usually have little to go on at the start; maybe only a blurb in the newspaper. This is where outlining helps me. I'm sure you are familiar with this process from English class, and you know that there are a thousand ways to do it. Just do what works for you. Be sure you don't get bogged down in the process though. I agree with Stephen King on this. In his semi-biography-writing instruction book, he says that plot is "blocky and uncertain, and best kept under house arrest."
What this means is that it is more important to keep your characters alive and vivid, than to focus mainly on the action or the battle with the big baddie antagonist, or force that is working against them in the plot.
You are going to be spending some time with these characters, so isn't it better to make them real and believable? Or at least to elicit some sort of emotion from them, rather than have them seem like cut-and-paste cardboard figures. Giving your characters impossible casts, or no human resemblance is equal to giving them name tags that read "good guy" or "bad guy"?
The same goes for the negative aspects of your fiction.
I don't know about you, but I always hated writing about the boring, explanatory parts of the story. Then one day I heard someone point out that if writing these parts is boring to you, then it will DEFINITELY be boring to the reader.
After hearing this I picked my jaw up off the floor. Then I filed that tidbit away for future use. Because it makes sense. No one wants to read the boring parts that you don't want to write. That makes the whole thing a lot easier. For you, and for the occasional chair, thrown out of frustration.
Your mother was wrong. Life does revolve around you.
Welcome to your freedom.
You can find enjoyment in all parts of your fiction if you make these explanatory parts ring with authenticity. Do this by showing why they are of interest to the story; you don't have to explain it like it was pre Renaissance banking practices. Although, even that can be interesting if you show someone being presented with a problem; getting their family business of, say, grain farming off the ground in Feudal France, or have someone get a hit put out on them by the pope for being too rich and not part of the Church.
OK, those suck. But you get the point. Keep this in mind and if you keep the work fresh and interesting to YOU, it won't seem as hard. I apologize if I've been acting above it all, and perhaps more that a little snide. You should look where you find inspiration to fill these gaps. Maybe its in your children.
My four-year old ran up to me one day, while I was writing; I think it was in late August. She came in with a serious, but not quite frenzied, look on her face and she told me the most horrifying thing that I could have heard from her at that particular moment.
"Dad!" she said, "Santa Clause, is Out...Side."
Oh my God. I thought. He's early.
If you want to experience imagination, there are far worse places that you could look for insight than your own children. Just allow yourself to remember. What my daughter had done was she helped me suspend my disbelief, ridiculously, and in fiction this is a necessity. Of course, in actuality my true fear was that it was a missionary, but the essence is the same.
It is also important to remember that the action of sitting down and writing everyday will make you accustomed to finding your way back into your work, and it will let the force of habit take some of the work load off of your Muse.
The last thing you want is a bitchy muse. Shouting at you from the kitchen, "You ain't got no bread man! Hows a fella supposed to make a peanut butter-nanner' sandwitch?"
How is he supposed to work under such conditions?
How are you for that matter?
Anyhow, a muse is like a Blog, you have to feed it. And it still won't do your work for you. Not even if you give it all the peanut butter and nanner' sandwiches in the world. And especially not if you don't sit down go to your task.
Write what you know? Absolutely. But no matter how factually accurate or extensively explained a scene is, no one will read it for long if it's boring. Just like the Mayo clinic's finger-McCracken maneuver for curing hiccups; just because something is scientifically proven, doesn't make it right.
Sometimes that's the problem.
You can learn just about anything on the internet. New medical procedures. World news and reviews about books or movies you may be interested in. You can also get bogged down in the research phase of any project you might be undertaking.
In order to write anything that anyone might like to read you have to be informed. To be in the know. You can find interesting news about anything you wish to learn about on the internet, and sometimes, thing that you don't.
For instance.
Did you know that the cure for hiccups is a finger up the butt?
No you didn't. Not before a few days ago anyway. And I don't want to hear, "I learnt that back in catholic middle school". Well, maybe you did. But you didn't learn it in any official sense.
The 16th event of the 1st Annual Ig Noble Awards, which was held at MIT. The discovery was made by an Israeli research group and was only one of the items keynoted. These awards are given annually in the area of "Improbable Research".
I do not know if Douglas Adams was ever a speaker at one of these but it is an area I am sure he would have been interested in.
Another of the items up for presentation was an analysis of the sound that fingernails make on a chalkboard. This research has become the basis for a new technology used for repelling teenagers. Absolutely peculiar and, some might go as far as to say "silly". What do these things have in common with all great discoveries.
Ideas.
The best place so far that I have found for new ideas is the daily news. There always seems to be something interesting, or at least mildly amusing, happening in the world. Somewhere in the back pages is where to look. That's where the magic happens and it is is where you find stories like the puppy that survived a five mile tornado ride, or the drunk rural double wide resident that was arrested for beating his wife with a "live alligator" in the solitude of the couple's trailer home; for the second time.
It's true.
Now I can't be sure, but I think you're mind is already working out how things like these could have actually happened. there has to be more to the story, you say. That thinking is the very process of which the creative side of writing is made. It is explaining to yourself the ins and outs (hiccup-pardon the pun) of a thing and making sense of it.
Like for example I'm still trying to piece together how the finger cure for hiccups came about. Was it an accidental discovery, like penicillin? When you look at a light bulb you sneeze. When you sneeze someone says bless you. What do you say when someone has the hiccups? The Ig Nobel Awards lareates are researchers who like to take the "Guess who has two thumbs and can solve your problem." approach to creativity, and we can learn something from them.
Maybe it can help with your writing (the approach, that is).
When you try to explain a situation to yourself, you usually have little to go on at the start; maybe only a blurb in the newspaper. This is where outlining helps me. I'm sure you are familiar with this process from English class, and you know that there are a thousand ways to do it. Just do what works for you. Be sure you don't get bogged down in the process though. I agree with Stephen King on this. In his semi-biography-writing instruction book, he says that plot is "blocky and uncertain, and best kept under house arrest."
What this means is that it is more important to keep your characters alive and vivid, than to focus mainly on the action or the battle with the big baddie antagonist, or force that is working against them in the plot.
You are going to be spending some time with these characters, so isn't it better to make them real and believable? Or at least to elicit some sort of emotion from them, rather than have them seem like cut-and-paste cardboard figures. Giving your characters impossible casts, or no human resemblance is equal to giving them name tags that read "good guy" or "bad guy"?
The same goes for the negative aspects of your fiction.
I don't know about you, but I always hated writing about the boring, explanatory parts of the story. Then one day I heard someone point out that if writing these parts is boring to you, then it will DEFINITELY be boring to the reader.
After hearing this I picked my jaw up off the floor. Then I filed that tidbit away for future use. Because it makes sense. No one wants to read the boring parts that you don't want to write. That makes the whole thing a lot easier. For you, and for the occasional chair, thrown out of frustration.
Your mother was wrong. Life does revolve around you.
Welcome to your freedom.
You can find enjoyment in all parts of your fiction if you make these explanatory parts ring with authenticity. Do this by showing why they are of interest to the story; you don't have to explain it like it was pre Renaissance banking practices. Although, even that can be interesting if you show someone being presented with a problem; getting their family business of, say, grain farming off the ground in Feudal France, or have someone get a hit put out on them by the pope for being too rich and not part of the Church.
OK, those suck. But you get the point. Keep this in mind and if you keep the work fresh and interesting to YOU, it won't seem as hard. I apologize if I've been acting above it all, and perhaps more that a little snide. You should look where you find inspiration to fill these gaps. Maybe its in your children.
My four-year old ran up to me one day, while I was writing; I think it was in late August. She came in with a serious, but not quite frenzied, look on her face and she told me the most horrifying thing that I could have heard from her at that particular moment.
"Dad!" she said, "Santa Clause, is Out...Side."
Oh my God. I thought. He's early.
If you want to experience imagination, there are far worse places that you could look for insight than your own children. Just allow yourself to remember. What my daughter had done was she helped me suspend my disbelief, ridiculously, and in fiction this is a necessity. Of course, in actuality my true fear was that it was a missionary, but the essence is the same.
It is also important to remember that the action of sitting down and writing everyday will make you accustomed to finding your way back into your work, and it will let the force of habit take some of the work load off of your Muse.
The last thing you want is a bitchy muse. Shouting at you from the kitchen, "You ain't got no bread man! Hows a fella supposed to make a peanut butter-nanner' sandwitch?"
How is he supposed to work under such conditions?
How are you for that matter?
Anyhow, a muse is like a Blog, you have to feed it. And it still won't do your work for you. Not even if you give it all the peanut butter and nanner' sandwiches in the world. And especially not if you don't sit down go to your task.
Write what you know? Absolutely. But no matter how factually accurate or extensively explained a scene is, no one will read it for long if it's boring. Just like the Mayo clinic's finger-McCracken maneuver for curing hiccups; just because something is scientifically proven, doesn't make it right.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
If anyone ever reads this I would like to point you in the direction of a fantastic author named JA Konrath. You may have heard of him. He is gaining a name in the thriller world with his heroine, insomniac detective Jack Daniels; "Jack" short for Jacqueline.
I have been following his career since, well since before he had a career and was moonlighting amongst the sunken alleys and questionable acquaintances of Usenet, and I've been following his work ever since.
I'm sort of an unofficial stalker.
I even have a signed drink coaster of his second book Bloody Mary. He writes mysteries that are saturated with sharp witted humor paired with hard edged suspense and a little bit of gratuitous violence, which is a gift and not easily accomplished. He essentially puts you down on your knees into the world of Noir and tells you dirty jokes, and really, who doesn't like that?
Well, if your a detective it can be troubling I suppose. But he's really a smart guy and a very good writer. He has worked hard to make a fantastic character in Jacqueline "Jack" Daniels. He isn't one of those egotistical literary snobs either, like I intend to be.
He wrote 12 novels before getting his break with Whiskey Sour, published by Hyperion, and I haven't seen anyone else who is as willing to give himself wholly to the genre. He is an inspiration to new writers as well. A real marathon man- which is an unfortunate moniker, since there's a picture of him on his website standing at an open window with a high powered rifle.
Of course, I don't think of myself as a "new" writer. More of a prolific wannabe, with a pulled hamstring, blindfolded, and running from police dogs, which is just what I would be if I was in a Konrath novel which brings me to my last point. J.A. Konrath holds writing contests and among the winnings is an opportunity to appear in name in the next Jack Daniels novel.
I have been following his career since, well since before he had a career and was moonlighting amongst the sunken alleys and questionable acquaintances of Usenet, and I've been following his work ever since.
I'm sort of an unofficial stalker.
I even have a signed drink coaster of his second book Bloody Mary. He writes mysteries that are saturated with sharp witted humor paired with hard edged suspense and a little bit of gratuitous violence, which is a gift and not easily accomplished. He essentially puts you down on your knees into the world of Noir and tells you dirty jokes, and really, who doesn't like that?
Well, if your a detective it can be troubling I suppose. But he's really a smart guy and a very good writer. He has worked hard to make a fantastic character in Jacqueline "Jack" Daniels. He isn't one of those egotistical literary snobs either, like I intend to be.
He wrote 12 novels before getting his break with Whiskey Sour, published by Hyperion, and I haven't seen anyone else who is as willing to give himself wholly to the genre. He is an inspiration to new writers as well. A real marathon man- which is an unfortunate moniker, since there's a picture of him on his website standing at an open window with a high powered rifle.
Of course, I don't think of myself as a "new" writer. More of a prolific wannabe, with a pulled hamstring, blindfolded, and running from police dogs, which is just what I would be if I was in a Konrath novel which brings me to my last point. J.A. Konrath holds writing contests and among the winnings is an opportunity to appear in name in the next Jack Daniels novel.
Monster Profile of the week: Ann Coulter
1... 2... Annies coming for you...
I am impressed with Ann Coulter's coverage of the Clinton interview. I didn't see the interview but apparently Mr. Clinton had a vessel break in his head when an interviewer asked him why he didn't do more to catch Osama Bin Laden when he was the president.
Without getting all too editorial about the issue, Miss Coulter vented about the far sprawling evil of old Bubba, and how he swung from studio lighting fixtures, beat his chest and flung pooh at the interviewer in response to "a simple question".
The question could be paraphrased like this. "Why are you responsible for the deaths of 3,000 Americans on Sept. 11, 2001 Mr. Clinton?"
He had an answer actually, and it was the same answer that he should have given when he was asked about where his penis had been during Hummergate: the answer "Fuck you" to put it simply.
However there couldn't be anything true in his retort, not in Ann's mind. How could there be? It isn't like the facts about the pre 9/11 intel could be checked like if they were, say, published or something (Oh wait they are).
Anyhow, I would have to say that my favorite part of the story was that it is now 850 words closer to the end of her career. At the end of that time I hope someone does a documentary about her. She'd have lost about 70 pounds of her healthy 87 pound figure by that time and she'll be spoon fed peaches and sit in a corner brushing an imaginary schnauzer. Blurting out the occasional racial slur at the ficus in the retirement home day room. But it will still be old Annie for all legal purposes.
True the Democrats are idiots. Sometimes the Left opposes everything that comes from the Right just because it comes from the right, but usually when there is a claim that Bush is wrong about something there is about a county sized warehouse FULL of published and indexed *evidence... Lying about intelligence and keeping the American people in the dark about the very situation to which we have given the lives of many young service men and women apparently is not quite as serious an offense as getting a blow job.
Wait a minute. Let us back up for some of the people still finding their way around the english language (Coulter).
*EVIDENCE: ev-i-dence /ev-i-duhns/ >Available facts, cicumstances, etc., determining truth or validity ----- I won't give the whole thing but there's something in there about admissability in court.
Back to the story which was basically a rambling, incoherent, monologue about how terrible a liar Clinton followed by some very brief on-topic material that is choked off again by a sudden fit of sarcasm. Sounds like Tourets syndrome to me.
To wit: Leave the sarcasm to those who can handle it; remember that if it's not funny- Your not doing it right. Especially if it's your book. Or your publicity blurbs... Or any mention of your soul. (Sarcasm - Funny= your career)
Give me some flavor. That's all I ask. If he is a liar then site some realistic evidence* (see the above*) which shows that he is a liar. Don't just say he is and then go off on a tangent about someone else who you hate just because they're a democrat.
I don't dislike conservatives. Show me some conservative values and then show me why they are right. Do it without using some blanket statement like "because I'm American" or "Victory is the only suitable cotext for withdrawal".
That's like saying "It's written in the bible" when you're asked to prove that you have your driver's license. It doesn't prove a damn thing but, hey, how can you argue, right? It's the bible.
Think about this.
Are there any Right Wing Red Faced pundits from the Vietnam war that are even remembered now? No. And there is a reason for that. They were wrong. Regardless of what Kissinger says (Remember he can't leave the USA for fear of being nabbed for war crimes.) they were wrong and you are just like them.
Ann Coulter is like Freddy Kruger. Not just because of her abnormally large and sloth-like hands. Nor just because of her stark resemblance to Robert Englund. I mean sure she can enter into your dreams and kill you with those hideous claws. but if you ignore Freddy, he fades away into nothing, and you see that is all that he was made of all along. Ann feeds on attention which I'm giving her now. I'm not worried because she'll vomit it right back up.
One day everyone is going to forget about you Ann Coulter. Then all you'll be is a crazy old racist chick who was wrong.
And you'll have herpes.
1... 2... Annies coming for you...
I am impressed with Ann Coulter's coverage of the Clinton interview. I didn't see the interview but apparently Mr. Clinton had a vessel break in his head when an interviewer asked him why he didn't do more to catch Osama Bin Laden when he was the president.
Without getting all too editorial about the issue, Miss Coulter vented about the far sprawling evil of old Bubba, and how he swung from studio lighting fixtures, beat his chest and flung pooh at the interviewer in response to "a simple question".
The question could be paraphrased like this. "Why are you responsible for the deaths of 3,000 Americans on Sept. 11, 2001 Mr. Clinton?"
He had an answer actually, and it was the same answer that he should have given when he was asked about where his penis had been during Hummergate: the answer "Fuck you" to put it simply.
However there couldn't be anything true in his retort, not in Ann's mind. How could there be? It isn't like the facts about the pre 9/11 intel could be checked like if they were, say, published or something (Oh wait they are).
Anyhow, I would have to say that my favorite part of the story was that it is now 850 words closer to the end of her career. At the end of that time I hope someone does a documentary about her. She'd have lost about 70 pounds of her healthy 87 pound figure by that time and she'll be spoon fed peaches and sit in a corner brushing an imaginary schnauzer. Blurting out the occasional racial slur at the ficus in the retirement home day room. But it will still be old Annie for all legal purposes.
True the Democrats are idiots. Sometimes the Left opposes everything that comes from the Right just because it comes from the right, but usually when there is a claim that Bush is wrong about something there is about a county sized warehouse FULL of published and indexed *evidence... Lying about intelligence and keeping the American people in the dark about the very situation to which we have given the lives of many young service men and women apparently is not quite as serious an offense as getting a blow job.
Wait a minute. Let us back up for some of the people still finding their way around the english language (Coulter).
*EVIDENCE: ev-i-dence /ev-i-duhns/ >Available facts, cicumstances, etc., determining truth or validity ----- I won't give the whole thing but there's something in there about admissability in court.
Back to the story which was basically a rambling, incoherent, monologue about how terrible a liar Clinton followed by some very brief on-topic material that is choked off again by a sudden fit of sarcasm. Sounds like Tourets syndrome to me.
To wit: Leave the sarcasm to those who can handle it; remember that if it's not funny- Your not doing it right. Especially if it's your book. Or your publicity blurbs... Or any mention of your soul. (Sarcasm - Funny= your career)
Give me some flavor. That's all I ask. If he is a liar then site some realistic evidence* (see the above*) which shows that he is a liar. Don't just say he is and then go off on a tangent about someone else who you hate just because they're a democrat.
I don't dislike conservatives. Show me some conservative values and then show me why they are right. Do it without using some blanket statement like "because I'm American" or "Victory is the only suitable cotext for withdrawal".
That's like saying "It's written in the bible" when you're asked to prove that you have your driver's license. It doesn't prove a damn thing but, hey, how can you argue, right? It's the bible.
Think about this.
Are there any Right Wing Red Faced pundits from the Vietnam war that are even remembered now? No. And there is a reason for that. They were wrong. Regardless of what Kissinger says (Remember he can't leave the USA for fear of being nabbed for war crimes.) they were wrong and you are just like them.
Ann Coulter is like Freddy Kruger. Not just because of her abnormally large and sloth-like hands. Nor just because of her stark resemblance to Robert Englund. I mean sure she can enter into your dreams and kill you with those hideous claws. but if you ignore Freddy, he fades away into nothing, and you see that is all that he was made of all along. Ann feeds on attention which I'm giving her now. I'm not worried because she'll vomit it right back up.
One day everyone is going to forget about you Ann Coulter. Then all you'll be is a crazy old racist chick who was wrong.
And you'll have herpes.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to get started. At least that's the way it is for me. Maybe I'll never make a living writing even though I would like to. Would it be so bad in that case to write only because it gives some satisfaction to you? Some joy even? When the morning passes though, and there are no new words it can be a little daunting but really.....
You know what? Screw that! I've said that or a variation of that a thousand times before and for what? I don't think it ever changes. It just changes disguise because no matter how good you are you can always be better, right?
Maybe you have only to be in the same room with a blank piece of paper and the ideas swarm you like a plague of yellowjackets a best seller scribbles itself onto the white sheet because it was inevitably going to happen anyway so the universe rearranged itself to save you the trouble.
I hate you.
Self Loathing is the hallmark of all struggling writers.
Thats it.
What, I ask, is the godforsaken point!?
bvbvggtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttjkhjkk (head falls on keyboard))))
ELVIS: The point is this.
Writer: Jesus! (head snaps up)
ELVIS: Thank you but no.
Writer: Elvis!? Where the hell did you come from? You're dead aren't you? Oh my God, I should have stayed on those pills.
Why are you wearing my pajamas?
ELVIS: I just like flannel. Don't dig on the pills man, trust me. It doesn't matter where I came from. You called me is all.
Now listen, I don't have much time but I might be able to help you. You want to put the chair down. Now you asked for help didn't you? Why don't you tell me what you need help with and I'll see what I can do.
Writer: You, you want to help me?
ELVIS: That's what I said.
Writer: Yes but... Oh whatever - it's my neurological event, I might as well enjoy it.
ELVIS: Well?
Writer: Well? Where do I start Elvis? NaNoWriMo is in a month and I can't even get my regular words to go down on paper. I just got a blog and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to with it; I expect feed it something. My wife isn't attracted to me, she thinks I'm a loser. I got this bump that I don't know what the hell it is...
ELVIS: Stop twitchin' man, you're acting like a startled chicken. Look here boss.
Writer: What?
ELVIS: What the hell is NaNoWhatsit?
Writer: National Novel Writing Month. It's a - I've got to write 50,000 words of a novel in thirty days and I haven't even completed outlining it. It's just like I've forgotten what I'm doing, where I was going. Everything. I feel like I'm lost and I need to find my way out.
ELVIS: Sounds serious. What's the problem?
Writer: What?
ELVIS: Your problem. The one thats cutting into my dry hump session with the lady clerk down at the gas station?
Writer: My problem? But I just told you what my problem was. By the way did I ask about my pajamas?
ELVIS: No that's not your problem, your problem is that you need to take the first step. Your like a child who wants to go out and check his mailbox and yells that he can't make it back to the house.
Writer: How is it like that? How is my writing like a mailbox?
ELVIS: It don't have to be a mailbox man. Maybe you want to go pet a duck; it's a euphemism ya dig. The thing is you haven't even made it to the mailbox. You can see the mailbox, but you can't get to it. Who knows, maybe there's a big dog out there, wants to bite your nuts off the second you hit the sidewalk.
Writer: You mean I should wear a sports cup or something?
ELVIS: No listen you've got to stay with me kid. It's a euphemism, or a metephore. That's it, the dog is a metaphor. It represents something that's in your way.
Writer: The people across the street have a pekingese.
ELVIS: Oh, well, I didn't know that. There are birds out there too, you didn't think of that did you? No you're right, if the dog doesn't get you then there's an eagle that wants to buzz you like a radio tower and shred you face when you stop moving. You see? You don't want to go out there because the animals might kill you.
Writer: That's horrible. How does that help me Elvis?
ELVIS: My point is you sound like an agoraphobic.
Writer: Hey Bubba, that's a serious mental illness. You should have a little sympathy for people like that.
ELVIS: Sympathy? You want to know sympathy? I got caught on the bus for six hours and by the time I got to the office at the Muse Department there were only two slips left. After this I'm teaching a dolphin to play the drums.
Writer: Maybe you picked the wrong career path. Good luck with the porpoise.
ELVIS: Oh right, sorry about that wise ass, but sometimes there isn't a whole lot of workload preference pertainin to tryin to get stubburn, obsessive writers to do what they love to do.
Writing.
That's, like, what you guys do, right? It's isn't just sitting there with a look on your face like you're trying to part you hair without touching it? Cuz that's what you were doing when I came in.
Writer: I was not doing that.
ELVIS: Were too.
Writer: I was Not!
ELVIS: Were too. Infinity.
Writer: I was nn*... Your childish.
ELVIS: No I'm dead Hoss. But look even though I started kickin flies I can still take care of Bin'ness. You might think about that. You can too but your not. What's your excuse?
Writer: I guess I don't have one. But I don't really need an excuse to be stuck do I? ... Well Elvis? Do I.
ELVIS: (sniffing his sleeve) Man this fabric softner, you got no idea man, what kind is this?
Writer: It's Mountain River tm.
Elvis: It's jus wonderful... Aw Shucks man. Sorry. Listen. The only thing you gotta do is take the first step, but you gotta do it expecting to take the next one, ya dig? And eventually, you know, you'll be able to play the guitar.
Writer: You mean write?
ELVIS: Damn skippy I do. I'm a christian ain't I?
Writer: No, I mean that I... uh, do you have A.D.D.?
ELVIS: What was that?
Writer: Nothing, just...
I mean, nevermind. Yes - yes your Highness.
ELVIS: Alright. Listen up. You lost somethin', but you know it's here somewhere. So sit down and take another look. Your path is always where you left it. Remember that, and you'll be gyrating stead of swattin' at the air like a crazed chimp. How's that sound?
Writer: "Your path is where you left it." (Looking at the blank screen. He brings up a new page.) "Your path is where you left it."
ELVIS: You got it baby. -snaps his fingers- *poof* (a business card with a small picture of blue wingtip shoes, footloose, with the heels pointing to the sky appears)
ELVIS: You need me -snap- just holler.
(But the writer is back at work.)
ELVIS begins to leave.
Writer: Hey E.
ELVIS: Yeah baby.
Writer: Keep the pajamas.
Elvis: Thank you. -points a finger- Now take care of Bin' ess
(walks out singing "In the Ghetto" and sniffing the collar of the flannel PJs.)
------------ That is really a corny way of saying that this takes baby-steps and it seems to me that it is never going to be easy. Why should it be. Would it be quite as fun then?
If it is that easy, then maybe your not doing it right. If you are doing it at all is the thing. That's the first step.
You know what? Screw that! I've said that or a variation of that a thousand times before and for what? I don't think it ever changes. It just changes disguise because no matter how good you are you can always be better, right?
Maybe you have only to be in the same room with a blank piece of paper and the ideas swarm you like a plague of yellowjackets a best seller scribbles itself onto the white sheet because it was inevitably going to happen anyway so the universe rearranged itself to save you the trouble.
I hate you.
Self Loathing is the hallmark of all struggling writers.
Thats it.
What, I ask, is the godforsaken point!?
bvbvggtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttjkhjkk (head falls on keyboard))))
ELVIS: The point is this.
Writer: Jesus! (head snaps up)
ELVIS: Thank you but no.
Writer: Elvis!? Where the hell did you come from? You're dead aren't you? Oh my God, I should have stayed on those pills.
Why are you wearing my pajamas?
ELVIS: I just like flannel. Don't dig on the pills man, trust me. It doesn't matter where I came from. You called me is all.
Now listen, I don't have much time but I might be able to help you. You want to put the chair down. Now you asked for help didn't you? Why don't you tell me what you need help with and I'll see what I can do.
Writer: You, you want to help me?
ELVIS: That's what I said.
Writer: Yes but... Oh whatever - it's my neurological event, I might as well enjoy it.
ELVIS: Well?
Writer: Well? Where do I start Elvis? NaNoWriMo is in a month and I can't even get my regular words to go down on paper. I just got a blog and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to with it; I expect feed it something. My wife isn't attracted to me, she thinks I'm a loser. I got this bump that I don't know what the hell it is...
ELVIS: Stop twitchin' man, you're acting like a startled chicken. Look here boss.
Writer: What?
ELVIS: What the hell is NaNoWhatsit?
Writer: National Novel Writing Month. It's a - I've got to write 50,000 words of a novel in thirty days and I haven't even completed outlining it. It's just like I've forgotten what I'm doing, where I was going. Everything. I feel like I'm lost and I need to find my way out.
ELVIS: Sounds serious. What's the problem?
Writer: What?
ELVIS: Your problem. The one thats cutting into my dry hump session with the lady clerk down at the gas station?
Writer: My problem? But I just told you what my problem was. By the way did I ask about my pajamas?
ELVIS: No that's not your problem, your problem is that you need to take the first step. Your like a child who wants to go out and check his mailbox and yells that he can't make it back to the house.
Writer: How is it like that? How is my writing like a mailbox?
ELVIS: It don't have to be a mailbox man. Maybe you want to go pet a duck; it's a euphemism ya dig. The thing is you haven't even made it to the mailbox. You can see the mailbox, but you can't get to it. Who knows, maybe there's a big dog out there, wants to bite your nuts off the second you hit the sidewalk.
Writer: You mean I should wear a sports cup or something?
ELVIS: No listen you've got to stay with me kid. It's a euphemism, or a metephore. That's it, the dog is a metaphor. It represents something that's in your way.
Writer: The people across the street have a pekingese.
ELVIS: Oh, well, I didn't know that. There are birds out there too, you didn't think of that did you? No you're right, if the dog doesn't get you then there's an eagle that wants to buzz you like a radio tower and shred you face when you stop moving. You see? You don't want to go out there because the animals might kill you.
Writer: That's horrible. How does that help me Elvis?
ELVIS: My point is you sound like an agoraphobic.
Writer: Hey Bubba, that's a serious mental illness. You should have a little sympathy for people like that.
ELVIS: Sympathy? You want to know sympathy? I got caught on the bus for six hours and by the time I got to the office at the Muse Department there were only two slips left. After this I'm teaching a dolphin to play the drums.
Writer: Maybe you picked the wrong career path. Good luck with the porpoise.
ELVIS: Oh right, sorry about that wise ass, but sometimes there isn't a whole lot of workload preference pertainin to tryin to get stubburn, obsessive writers to do what they love to do.
Writing.
That's, like, what you guys do, right? It's isn't just sitting there with a look on your face like you're trying to part you hair without touching it? Cuz that's what you were doing when I came in.
Writer: I was not doing that.
ELVIS: Were too.
Writer: I was Not!
ELVIS: Were too. Infinity.
Writer: I was nn*... Your childish.
ELVIS: No I'm dead Hoss. But look even though I started kickin flies I can still take care of Bin'ness. You might think about that. You can too but your not. What's your excuse?
Writer: I guess I don't have one. But I don't really need an excuse to be stuck do I? ... Well Elvis? Do I.
ELVIS: (sniffing his sleeve) Man this fabric softner, you got no idea man, what kind is this?
Writer: It's Mountain River tm.
Elvis: It's jus wonderful... Aw Shucks man. Sorry. Listen. The only thing you gotta do is take the first step, but you gotta do it expecting to take the next one, ya dig? And eventually, you know, you'll be able to play the guitar.
Writer: You mean write?
ELVIS: Damn skippy I do. I'm a christian ain't I?
Writer: No, I mean that I... uh, do you have A.D.D.?
ELVIS: What was that?
Writer: Nothing, just...
I mean, nevermind. Yes - yes your Highness.
ELVIS: Alright. Listen up. You lost somethin', but you know it's here somewhere. So sit down and take another look. Your path is always where you left it. Remember that, and you'll be gyrating stead of swattin' at the air like a crazed chimp. How's that sound?
Writer: "Your path is where you left it." (Looking at the blank screen. He brings up a new page.) "Your path is where you left it."
ELVIS: You got it baby. -snaps his fingers- *poof* (a business card with a small picture of blue wingtip shoes, footloose, with the heels pointing to the sky appears)
ELVIS: You need me -snap- just holler.
(But the writer is back at work.)
ELVIS begins to leave.
Writer: Hey E.
ELVIS: Yeah baby.
Writer: Keep the pajamas.
Elvis: Thank you. -points a finger- Now take care of Bin' ess
(walks out singing "In the Ghetto" and sniffing the collar of the flannel PJs.)
------------ That is really a corny way of saying that this takes baby-steps and it seems to me that it is never going to be easy. Why should it be. Would it be quite as fun then?
If it is that easy, then maybe your not doing it right. If you are doing it at all is the thing. That's the first step.
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